(And no, it’s not about raising a perfect bilingual genius)
It starts innocently enough.
You’re in the supermarket. Your child, beaming with pride, points to a nearby car and shouts, “Das ist Mummy Auto!” Loudly. Very loudly. The elderly man stacking biscuits looks puzzled. You smile, somewhat apologetically. And then, because you can’t help yourself, you add: “Yes, that’s Mummy’s car. You’re right.”
And just like that, you realise: your child is mixing languages. Worse: you haven’t actually spoken much English with them today. Or yesterday. Or all week. Not properly, anyway.
You’ve been too tired. You’ve been running late. You’ve been switching to the majority language because some other mums were standing nearby and you didn’t want to look weird.
You’re not alone!
What we think will happen if we don’t speak our home language
We imagine our child will forget everything overnight, lose all contact with one side of their family, and grow up preferring Schnitzel to our grandmother’s Shepherd’s Pie recipe! We picture ourselves ten years from now, trying to bond with our teenager, but they don’t understand half of what we say. (In any language!) We beat ourselves up about a worst-case scenario because we dropped the ball on speaking our language to our child for a short while.
But the truth is quieter than that.
What really happens when you stop speaking your native language to your child
(Yes, this part might sting a little. But it’s not here to guilt-trip you. It’s here to name the quiet consequences before they creep in too far.)
- Your child won’t stop understanding straight away, but they’ll likely stop speaking the language actively-and that has long-term effects.
At first, you’re thrilled they said anything at all. You don’t even notice that they only ever say it in German. Or French. Or whatever language isn’t yours. But over time, if they’re not actively using the language with you, they’re less likely to become truly fluent or form a meaningful connection with it. It becomes something they understand passively but don’t live in-and that makes all the difference. - Even if your child already understands the language well, they may start to lose confidence in using it.
They might still understand everything you say, but if they don’t have regular, low-pressure chances to speak it, they’ll hesitate. They may worry about saying something wrong or getting laughed at. That self-consciousness can lead to even less use-which only widens the gap. - Your identity starts to feel… distant.
Maybe it’s when you realise you haven’t sung a single lullaby from your own childhood in months. Or your child doesn’t know the word for “cloud” in your language, but they do know “excavator” in the majority one. (Because of course they do.)
And if you’re living abroad, this isn’t just about passing along language and culture – it’s about holding onto something that grounds you. Speaking your language might be the only part of the day that truly feels like you. Without it, that part can fade. - They may struggle socially or emotionally.
Maintaining the home language supports self-esteem, stronger family bonds, and a sense of belonging. Without it, children can feel disconnected from their roots-especially if grandparents or extended family speak only that language. It’s not just about words-it’s about relationships, too. - They may become passive bilinguals.
Some children understand the home language well but don’t feel comfortable using it. This can limit their emotional expression, their ability to join in family conversations, and their long-term fluency. Passive skills without speaking confidence often lead to frustration-for both child and parent. - You start feeling guilty. Then maybe ashamed. Then overwhelmed.
So you say nothing. Or you Google “Is it too late to teach my child my language?” at 11 pm while stress-eating Maltesers and watching a 90s rom-com. (If these examples sound very specific… it’s because this was me; I’ve been there!)
Here’s what I want you to know about bilingual language development
Speaking your language with your child doesn’t have to be perfect, planned, and attached to some amazingly coordinated activity! But it does have to happen if you want them to grow up bilingual.
Yes, it’s okay if it doesn’t happen 100% of the time according to the strategy you agreed upon in your family but is sometimes a real challenge to uphold! And we all slip into some unhelpful habits every so often. But if language input not happening at all? That’s your gentle nudge to stop and take stock – not to panic, but to notice.
What’s getting in the way right now? Are you tired? Burnt out? Feeling like a walking translation app? re you worried your child won’t understand, or that you’ll sound silly?
This is where it’s worth looking for small adjustments – tiny tweaks that can shift how something works overall. What small change might help your language feel more naturally woven into family life? Could you switch your bedtime stories to your language?
Set a goal to use your language during one regular daily moment, like snack time or nappy changes? Sometimes it’s these little tweaks and not major overhauls that help bilingualism feel more doable.
The key point to really bear in mind is:
Passive exposure is not enough for bilingualism
Children don’t become bilingual because they “hear two languages.” They become bilingual because people talk to them in those languages. Directly. Because people interact with them in those languages. Meaningfully.
They learn when you narrate snack time together. When you do silly voices in storybooks together. When you make up terrible rhymes together. When you ask about their day, and actually listen to their answer.
Not when the radio plays in the background. Not when you mean to speak your language but switch mid-sentence because it’s easier. Not when you wait for “the right moment” that never quite comes.
The good news: it’s never too late to support your child’s language development
It is never too late to start again. Or to try differently. Or to do things in a way that fits your family life right now.
Maybe you can begin with just ten minutes a day in your language. Maybe you can bring back one favourite book or game. Maybe you can switch back to your language during bath time, even if your child replies in another one to start with.
Make it playful and loving. Children don’t need a grammar lesson at breakfast – they need connection! Use funny voices, sing your childhood songs, invent silly routines. Most of all, don’t pressure yourself. That pressure can easily become what your child associates with the language itself, and that’s the last thing you want.
My top tip would be to use what’s already around you: books, songs, cartoons, audiobooks, even short videos in your language. Get friends and family involved, too! Let the input come from more than just you, especially if you’re exhausted. No wonder it feels heavy if you’re the only one carrying it.
Try simple things that can boost language input, such as:
- Swapping one book a day for a story or audio book in your language, and reading it as actively as you can – see here for tips!
- Repeating favourite phrases during play (“Where’s the dog?” “Let’s go!” “Your turn!”)
- Using routines: nappy changes, snack time, or brushing teeth can become language moments
- Asking friends or relatives who speak your language to send voice messages
- Listening to music or radio shows in your language during car journeys or mealtimes
A little reminder (from someone who understands this bilingual parenting life from the inside)
If your child is mixing languages, not answering in yours, or you’re feeling stuck, don’t see that as failure. See it as information.
It shows you where you might want to refocus. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because this isn’t always easy. Parenting is demanding. Bilingual parenting adds another layer of responsibility – bridging languages and cultures can be really exhausting!
But small steps count. Everyday moments matter most. And it’s not too late to begin again, and again-again! Whether that’s today, or next Tuesday during snack time!
You are not behind. You are not failing. You’re just in a moment of noticing – and that’s the first step back in. You don’t need to do it all at once. You just need to keep the door open, keep showing up in small ways, and trust that your efforts matter. Because they do!
Want more real talk about bilingual parenting?
If this post made you nod, laugh, or breathe a small sigh of relief, then let’s stay in touch! I write honest, research-informed advice about bilingual parenting straight to your inbox, along with tips, anecdotes, and the occasional biscuit-fuelled confession!
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